One Year Older

I am one year older but I have not progressed much in terms of trading and neither got any wiser.... On looking back over the year, I was not trading.. I was mainly gambling and this results in incurring significant losses.. I was transformed to a compulsive gambler.... I was stressed, nervous and my mood was very dependent on my trading.... My mind was held prison....being controlled by some kind of evil...

Somehow, one day, I chanced on a book about mind/brain... I read it and being curious, I slowly dwell more into this topic from various sources and finally I made some progression and attained some "peace".... In my past few years, I always wish for money for my birthday... (i.e being a millionaire... billionaire... sort of it) but this year, I do not have any "firm" wishes.. I have been living in an "unconscious state" for most of my life....  Taking trading as illustration.... I have making many trades over the past year, with most made with the intention of becoming rich in a short time.... On observing now, I have already stepped into the game on a wrong foot... I am trying to recall the past states of my mind on the trades I made.. I think I am suffering "a sort of illusion" thinking my chances of winning is higher after a string of losses when in fact, they arent dependent at all.. My desire leads me to huge disappointments, causing me large void on my mind... Anger, greed, fear, hope all slightly starting to creep up but its kind of a vicious cycle.... I can't get my eyes off the market (though its clearly dosent matter if I look or not once trade is opened) When the outcome is deviating away from my expected outcome, all of the above emotions are magnified, resulting me in a mode of frustration... The result is kind of expected every time.. It will usually lead to account blow up... No matter how hard I try to resist, I still cant get over it last time.. I will still deposit more money.. with the beginning trading conservatively but gradually, I will take more risk.. cycle repeats again and eventually like I mentioned earlier... account blow up..

Things start to improve when I don't resist my thoughts.. I observe them and start to do some deep thinking... to find out the meaning and rather than, enforcing rules on myself... The holy grail for trading in my own opinion is our mind.... I am not saying the methods and techniques are useless but rather, I think without a strong mind, it is difficult to earn in this profession... Many times, I am just blinded by my own hopes/expectations, creating illusions...

Instead of pursuing riches, I seek in the journey to live in a more "awakened" life.... observing my own thoughts to live a life of virtue (Gratitude, empathy  contentment) ... Happiness can be in the simplest form.... It is the avoidance of unhappiness but once I have strong desires, attaching strongly to a certain thing, unhappiness will definitely happen as nothing is permanent... Living in the present is important as everyday is a blessing.. a gift..... Trading is my passion as I enjoy the challenges it present and also at the same time, training my mind to be stronger...  Patience, contentment and also at same time, opportunity to observe the devil in me, creeping out....