My trading Journey

I have been plagued by my own emotions for my trading...... mainly greed , ego and etc....  Over the past few years, I have been making the same mistakes again and again.. Well, I consider the actions as mistakes because they are mainly dictated by my own greed or personal ego so regardless the outcome (profit or loss), they are just destabilizing my mind. I never ever focus on the process itself (trading) but rather, I put more emphasis on the outcome which is something thats not within my own control.. My mind is always misaligned ..... I have expectations.....  I expect something to happen when most of the times, it is just delusional... Sometimes, I might just get lucky.... the outcome turns out as expected but at the same time when it isnt coming out as expected, my mind got tilted.. I got emotional... Greed ego took over me... I was wired to think that all trades will turn out profitable so I make more emotional trade (i.e desire to recoup) everything.. Again sometimes, I might turn out lucky but when outcome isnt what I desire, I repeat the process until I lose everything.... I was more like trading like an addict... 

Whenever my account got blown out, I always promised myself not to repeat the same mistake, trying as hard as possible to suppress my emotions but without fail, same things happen again.... I come upon a realization...... Suppressing without understanding will just lead to more pain and as a result, it won't help in my trading at all. Similarly, coming up rules to enforce discipline without understanding of own mind will just lead to me breaking the rules again.... With this realization, I start to take on the journey to understand my mind more... to go with the flow.... to understand the root of greed or any emotions that pop up in my mind and try to rewire my brain...

To trade efficiently, I know I need to follow the flow as much as possible and not letting my mind (imaginations) clouding me..   I have been trying to learn more about my mind to stabilize it..... I am trying to think along the direction... reasoning many of my problems..... like greed, desire, fear, ego.....
My soul was "damaged".... I never found peace in mind thus no matter how much I suppress, it only bring more to my suffering. The reason why I say my soul was damaged is because I am plagued by greed, ego, desires....... Desires lead to craving and craving leads me to focus heavily on the outcome... results... Like life, everything goes in cycle... It is pretty much self inflicting.... Heavy focus on outcome just lead my mind to be programmed in a way to think that any loss is a failure but in trading, its not this case.... Its the aftermath that deals the most damage to me... Revenge and etc....

Trading is the best experiment to train my mind as it involves all the possible emotion... fear, anger, greed , hope, sadness, disappointment and everything..... Trading has brought me stress and pain but all this is because my mind was not stabilized.. I believed a trained mind wil reduce stress or pain to zero... Trading is pretty much like life..... to be in the moment without letting past/future affecting me....  living in the moment.....

I have never had such thought till now... My mind is in a more awaked mode now but I know seeking enligtenment is a long journey.... It cant be accomplished overnight...... It takes lots of effort and consciousness and I will make use of this space to jot down my thoughts so that it can be used as a reference in the future...